"Wild? I Was Livid!"

In the July issue of Cincinnati magazine, Steve Kissing discusses the joys of a trip to the zoo.

The zoo is, of course, a rich source of learning for people of all ages, especially kids. Thing is, their parents often get in the way. While leaning against the viewing rails seeking to get the best glimpse of this animal or that, I have overheard some of the most shocking and ignorant things come out of the mouths of adults. "Polar bears get frozen solid into blocks of sea ice every winter, that's how they hibernate," I overheard one man say with an Alex Trebekian 'jeez, ain't I a smart one' tone. "Monkeys love to eat marijuana, they always have, it's why they didn't evolve into humans," another man said. Apparently, he'd had a brownie or two for lunch.

The most mind-numbing of the numbskulls I've overheard at the zoo was a fortysomething woman who, aptly enough, resembled a manatee in a jogging suit. This woman had three kids with her, each attached to her waist via a rainbow-colored leash. Anyway, the four of them were looking at a rhinoceros when the following exchange occurred.

"What's his horn made of, mommy?" the boy asked. He looked to be about 8.

"Wood," the mother responded, nodding her head and sucking on a straw poking out of a large cherry Icee.

"Wood?" he said, clearly as shocked as I was. I couldn't wait to hear more.

"Yeah, wood. See how they keep their heads down like that and scrape the ground?"

"Yeah," he said, staring intently at the animal.

"Well, they get seeds lodged in their heads, and little trees grow."

"Oh," the boy said. He didn't sound convinced.

I glanced at the woman expecting a wink, a secret smirk, some indication that she was joking. She wasn't. "It's like they have a giant chopstick to eat with," she added, clearly impressed with her observation.