Thank God for That!

Some vital information and handy hints in the latest Skeptical Inquirer from Stephen Asma on How to Survive the Apocalypse:

You’re not on the A-team -- you’re not even on the bench. Your skepticism and critical thinking has cost you dearly. Chances are that you’ll want to wallow in some self-pity at this juncture, but there’s no time for that now. Remember, you’re in good company. Many very smart people will be damned too –- in fact there turns out to be some direct correlation there. Start working with some of these intellectuals now, before you have to run. Many intelligent people can be found near libraries and liquor stores. Forge friendships of utility. This is a good time to strategize, study blueprints and subway maps, and discuss dehydrated food options.

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According to Revelations 12:3, the sky will suddenly fill with a giant red dragon, “having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his head.”

If you’re on your toes you’ll know when this red monster is coming. A series of loud trumpet blasts will signal the coming of the dragon. You need to be on the move by the time the seventh trumpet blasts, because that’s dragon time. Truthfully, you should be looking for an abandoned car or bicycle or something by the time you hear trumpet number five, because that’s when the human-headed locusts hit the scene (Rev. 9:7). And you might be thinking “Hey, I can handle human-headed locusts”, but you’d be wrong. These grasshoppers will have “tails like unto scorpions” (Rev. 9:10). It will be important to loot pharmacies and carry analgesics.

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Did you know about the Human Wine Press? According to Revelations (sic), as Jesus gathers up the unsaved, he places them in a giant wine press and squashes them into a sanguineous vino. Consequently, there’s going to be a “river of blood.” This presents some great opportunities for the prepared mind. How many “escape from prison” films have you seen where the cons evade detection by submerging in the river and breathing through a hollow reed? ‘Nuff said.

Alternately, depending on how deep and wide it will be, fast moving rivers of any fluid can be good transport when roads have become choked with charnel remains. And don’t forget that bloated dead bodies can be strung together as a makeshift raft.